I’m pausing for a moment in my sabbatical reflections (check out my latest in the January 2020 edition of UPC NEWS & Current Events) to share an important op-ed I read in the January edition of The Christian Century by Peter W. Marty, the editor in chief, entitled in the print edition “Family as Idol.” About a quarter of the way in, he writes: “Family affection and togetherness is lovely. A healthy family system is where we learn unconditional love. It’s an ideal laboratory for navigating relationships and learning where we fit and how we express ourselves.” But, I had to ask myself, what about those families that are dysfunctional and do not teach us how to navigate the world in a healthy and loving way? Let’s face it, every family has some level of dysfunction—some more than others. But what if our family teaches ungrace and unlove?
If we are savvy enough, and if we Christians take our faith seriously enough, we might learn through our scriptures the negative object lessons our families have to offer. My mother did that. Her parents were alcoholic narcissists. Through her painful experiences growing up she discerned through the negativity of her parents that there has to be another way. She tried, as painful as it was, to maintain a relationship (if you can call it that) with her parents. But she took the bold step of shaping another kind of family beyond the bonds of blood and genetics. She discovered it through her faith and through studying the Bible in programs like Mariners and the Bethel Series (I’m not sure if these things are even around anymore). For her, her church family became her true family—her circle of friends were her family; the people around her, known or unknown, were her family.
At the beginning of his op-ed, Marty warns that family is becoming (or has become) a “religion in its own right,” wherein family is lifted up as the pinnacle of one’s allegiance, over and above God, faith, or even Church. Scriptures, Marty writes, “give us no sense that the family is an end in itself.” The purpose of family is to shape us and help us as we turn outward toward other people.
Jesus mocks any kind of insular thinking: Loving those who love you, there is no challenge in that (Matthew 5.46; Luke 6.32). The gospels suggest that family can actually get in the way of us growing into disciples—it can get in the way of our relationship with God. Jesus even suggests that if our family becomes an impediment to our faith, then we need to shed our family: the man whose father just died but wants to follow Jesus (Matt. 8.22; Luke 9.60); Jesus’ admonition that anyone who does not hate their father or mother, sister or brother, cannot be his disciples (Luke 14.26); that he comes not come to bring peace, but a sword (Matt. 10.34). These are hard sayings, for sure! But it makes the point (maybe using a bit of hyperbole), our faith is going to make some people uncomfortable, especially our families. The draw to give in to family pressure is immense! But, at some point, we may have to choose between faith and family. It’s a very difficult choice!
In John’s gospel, the bonds of genetics gave way to the bond of community shaped by the love and grace of God revealed through Jesus. The community was under attack, both within it and from outside sources. They were isolated politically and socially by threats from the Jewish leadership and the Roman Empire. From the cross Jesus looks down at his mother and the anonymous “disciple whom Jesus loved,” and says, “Woman, here is your son.” He then says to the disciple, “Here is your mother.” A new family unit is born. No longer can we depend on blood lines to save us (“Bear fruits worthy of repentance. Do not begin to say to yourselves, ‘We have Abraham as our ancestor’; for I tell you, God is able from these stones to raise up children to Abraham.” Luke 3:8, NRSV). Throughout the Christian scriptures the “family” of faith are referred to as our “brothers and sisters” in Christ, and Jesus seems to go out of his way to shift our central source of identity and purpose from the biological to the spiritual.
There seems to be surge in focus on our biological identity with DNA tests from places like 23andme.com and Ancestry.com. Don’t get me wrong, family can be amazing and wonderful when it comes to the development of our identity. But, Marty suggests, for Jesus, that image of community is too small. At some point, we need to grow and mature and expand our understanding of “family.” Jesus’ mission was to the whole world, inviting everyone to see one another as siblings of the Creator God who continues to be active and holding it all together. Our bond is through our being in the image of God (imago dei). Imagine how our politics would look if we saw those on the other side of whatever aisle as siblings in Christ? Imagine how our world politics might look if
The real test of this broader definition of family is when we have disagreements within the Church or in our communities. How do we approach our neighbor with love and compassion, but still have a sense of resolve in our faithfulness to God’s call on our lives? How do we talk with someone who has no desire to listen? How do we stay engaged with those who are on the other side of whatever philosophical, political, or religious divide? How do we not give up and just walk away? How do we live into and embody the love of God Jesus has shown us when it comes to the “other” in our lives?
Mind you, there are situations that are just truly toxic. Every therapist and spiritual director will tell you, after much discernment and attempts to remedy, that there are times when we need to walk away for our own health and safety. But I wonder if those times are much fewer than we might imagine.
Our immediate blood-line families are important. The point remains, and I think I understand what Marty is suggesting, that when they are lifted up and over our faith, over our commitment to God, then, yes, that is the very definition of “idol.” This has given me a lot to think about. Marty suggests at the close of his op-ed, “When [family] becomes an end to itself, our availability to others shrinks dramatically. That makes for a very small religion.” Definitely some food for thought in our dangerously fractured nation.
May this new year offer us opportunities to discover and live into the ever-expanding love of God! May we see through our differences to give witness to our connections.